Ya thats exactly how i am feeling ... wild, low, erratic, scared, confused, angry, depressed... lots to it ... lots .... I hate things this way because i am thinking of endless ways of inlicting torture to myself. nights together i dream of cutting my veins, falling off staircases, skidding off my bike, fainting, falling, collapsing, doing anything that will cut me off , cut me off from what state i am in now.
Dont know why this much fear but i am afraid to back into the darkness that i came out of the day i met him. I am afraid of becoming lifeless,like a zombie, becoming someone who is scared.plain scared. it scares me so much that it is all coming out as a negative force. the want to bang myself continuously against anything , WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM ... Bleed..die... atleast black out. This wild urge to move my body in no rhythm , in a way that can drain someone off all that they fear and feel.. at time i wish i couldn feel, it'd definitely make things very easy for me then for i will not react to anything..
Pooor friends of mine who have to sit and see me rant like a mad woman about the same pain and anguish again and again as if it were a never ending thread in my head.
I am tired of running from pillar to post trying to make things work.. trying to put 2 and 2 together and try and make sense , but NO NO NO NO i am not allowed to do that ...
The only thing i am allowed to right now is be caged in my own head and die a million deaths inside my head for atleast that eases my pain.. maybe sometime i will make one of them come close to truth.. maybe .... just maybe ....
signing off
Me
Dont know why this much fear but i am afraid to back into the darkness that i came out of the day i met him. I am afraid of becoming lifeless,like a zombie, becoming someone who is scared.plain scared. it scares me so much that it is all coming out as a negative force. the want to bang myself continuously against anything , WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM ... Bleed..die... atleast black out. This wild urge to move my body in no rhythm , in a way that can drain someone off all that they fear and feel.. at time i wish i couldn feel, it'd definitely make things very easy for me then for i will not react to anything..
Pooor friends of mine who have to sit and see me rant like a mad woman about the same pain and anguish again and again as if it were a never ending thread in my head.
I am tired of running from pillar to post trying to make things work.. trying to put 2 and 2 together and try and make sense , but NO NO NO NO i am not allowed to do that ...
The only thing i am allowed to right now is be caged in my own head and die a million deaths inside my head for atleast that eases my pain.. maybe sometime i will make one of them come close to truth.. maybe .... just maybe ....
signing off
Me
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