27th august 2008 1:18 AM

I was reading these Paulo Coelho books and somehow couldn’t stop thoughts about you flying across my head… there’s a song running in my head and I know its by someone whom you would rather not be with…. It’s strange, your thought crossing my head after these many days when I had chosen to forget you. I did … I changed the world I lived in. I pushed you out of it.. Maybe its just cos of these books but I am talking this way.

I can’t but recollect the days I spent knowing you. Now to even try to reach half that length with any other human seems to be a betrayal to you. No you are not responsible, isn’t that what you are going to say? That’s alright… your thought floods my mind…I was at the movies last night and I was in the same theatre watching a thriller as the first time I had messaged you. You had said that I should always smile. I did... those days that I spent with you I did. I smiled, I bloomed, and I felt truly happy. But then you who gave it to me took it all away one day…. I was still smiling because I thought I’d understood you... but how much of understanding can one boast of after about everyday of meeting and talking and then realizing that I understood it all wrong. I let it be. I let myself be the one who had been naïve and had tread too far… but no I wasn’t the one to be pointed fingers at. You too showed me a way… until that point where you saw you couldn’t walk with me. You chose to leave me to find my way and retraced your steps back to safety… no yell, no cry from me could ever reach you, cos you had gone that deep into your safety net.

What point was there then to meet you and talk to you, when we both living in different worlds sat together? For me you were there just a wink and smile away , waiting to tell me that it was meant to take time and that now we had gotten there… for you there I was , asking questions, being stubborn and still hanging on to a twig from the past..

I still do have it, that twig from the past, though I show it no sunlight, I water it and nurture it in the back of my heart, hoping some day that you’d rip apart the darkness and let the sunlight flood in. In this faith I walked ends of my world and stayed as far as I could from you… and yes I did meet someone who was not like you, not one least bit… but reminded me of things I did with you, only for you… my heart, then, understood, when I spent endless minutes pondering over you, but not now. Now wasn’t right, because the ‘then’ was spilling all over... It belonged to you… every little thing I did, every smile I smiled, every minute I spent otherwise was all for you… and now that I am at that cross road again, I fear , not falling in love, not forgetting you, but being hit by the same twig in the other eye..

P.S: I feel blank post typing this out... like a just-emptied jar of water….